these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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