I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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