I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
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just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
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Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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