I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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