dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
