i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
