She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
