The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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