if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I have so many feelings about this burrito
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
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