He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
