I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
