dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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