so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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