All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
