the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Someone came in the potted fern
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Randomize
