I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
