he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
did you just send me my own nude
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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