as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
