i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
and you fell through a lawn chair
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
