get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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