Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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