we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
