first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
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Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
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Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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