She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
