When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
