I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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