Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
