i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
