I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
