We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
