im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Randomize
