I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
