Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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