I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
