so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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