just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
