her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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