they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
We just shotgunned beers for America
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
