my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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