just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
