good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
