All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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