the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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