My underwear smells like fireworks.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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