i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
