Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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