a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
She made me pour olive oil on her.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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