The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
