Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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