we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
