the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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